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14 November 2010 @ 10:11 pm
NaScreeWriMo - Day Fourteen  

Mira and Janos walk, the priest hurrying a bit to keep up. Erzsebet trails behind, interested in the walls.

I have no interest in destroying the Count. I want
to find my son and leave this place. The sooner the better.

You will never be allowed to leave, not while the
Count lives.

If he is as you say, why have you done nothing?

We must go to the chapel--

Wait. Listen.
Erzsebet joins them. Her upper lip draws back, baring her teeth.

Do you hear that?

Someone is crying.
Mira and Janos follow the sound, barely audible. Erzsebet stays where she is. A low GROWL.

Mira hurries a little, listening hard. Around a turn - a DOOR up ahead.

Wait. It may be a trick.

(running now)
She throws the door open--

ILKA, in the library. Sitting on the floor, crying. When she sees Mira she makes straight for her.

He took him. He took him. I couldn’t stop him.
Mira holds her arms out, and Ilka grabs her. They hold each other.

We must get to the chapel. There are things we
must do, things I must tell you.

I’m sorry. I couldn’t stop him.

It’s all right.
Beat. The sound of GROWLING becomes louder, and everyone turns to look - Erzsebet, hands hooked into claws in front of her, eyes only for Ilka.

Beta? Beta, is that you?
Ilka smiles and reaches for her even as Mira gets in between them.

She must be locked back up in the west tower.
Erzsebet SNARLS at Ilka.

Beta, stop! This is your mother!

Erzsebet LUNGES. Mira grabs her, hugs her tight, heedless of her own safety.

No. No, darling, you mustn’t.
Erzsebet struggles, but ultimately allows herself to be held. Still glaring at Ilka, who finally realizes it is her daughter - and that Erzsebet still hates her. Ilka’s face falls.

We will not have much time before the
Count returns. Please. Come with me.
Mira releases Erzsebet, takes her by the hand.

Will anything you tell me there help me find my son?
Janos takes too long to answer.

You go to your chapel, and pray. I have a castle to search.
singer_shapersinger_shaper on November 15th, 2010 04:21 pm (UTC)
I'm really intrigued by this plot, especially by Janos. Bathory may be a demon, but it seems that Janos may not be entirely who he says he is. Looking forward to more!
Shannonkungfuwaynewho on November 15th, 2010 09:44 pm (UTC)
Thanks! Yeah...Janos isn't just a nice, young priest. I'm glad that that's coming across - I don't want it to be one of those twists that comes from out of nowhere!
Holly: Mary Irish Film&TV Awardshollywobbles on November 19th, 2010 04:22 am (UTC)
Lol, glad my instincts aren't far off!
Holly: Adamahollywobbles on November 19th, 2010 04:28 am (UTC)
So, wondering why Erzsebet hates her mother so much. (As I'm sure we're supposed to be doing. :) )

You're doing an amazing job of building the tension and giving us a sense of being rushed toward an impending climax, especially at the end, with Janos pushing her repeatedly to go to the chapel, layered on top of Ilsa's frantic "he took him" without bothering to clarify at first. I'm impressed at your ability to do that just through dialogue.

I'm wondering if Mira's very last line I have a castle to search might be a little anachronistic. I'd assume it was intentional, but you've been so careful so far about keeping to a specific... um... flavor? (Vocab fails me this late at night.)

Edited at 2010-11-19 04:31 am (UTC)
Shannonkungfuwaynewho on November 19th, 2010 11:53 pm (UTC)
So, wondering why Erzsebet hates her mother so much.


I don't know yet.

But I'll figure something out!

Hmm, you know, I did want that line to be a little Crowning Moment of Awesome, but I don't necessarily want to be anachronistic. I'll have to think on that one - thanks for pointing it out. (Seriously, dude, you give the best notes. You are being so, so helpful, IT'S KILLING ME, SMALLS.)
Holly: Laura of awesomehollywobbles on November 20th, 2010 04:58 am (UTC)
Good, I'm really glad it's helpful!!!

I went back and looked at my comments from last night and noticed I got significantly wordier and more colloquial the later it got. Still comprehensible, thank goodness, but it made me giggle nonetheless.
Shannon: lotr haldirkungfuwaynewho on November 20th, 2010 02:35 pm (UTC)
Heh, I read your comments one after another and didn't notice a thing. They were all insightful and useful. I think you crazy, babe.