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27 December 2010 @ 10:38 pm
NaScreeWriMo - Day Fifty-Seven  

Ilka and Dominik lie huddled together in a pile of HAY. Dominik sleeps - Ilka watches him.

A SCRATCHING sound nearby. Ilka is terrified - she’s entered a state where everything is a threat. The sound gets closer. Ilka pulls the dagger out. It shakes.

But it’s just a CAT, stalking through the hay. A pounce, and it comes up with a big RAT in its mouth. Two good shakes, and the rat hangs limp. The cat and Ilka stare at each other for a beat, and then the cat turns and trots away, the rat’s limp tail dragging through the hay.

He’s coming down to the village.
Ilka turns. Dominik sits up, awake. Not possessed - nothing malevolent in his face. But his eyes are dull, his voice listless.

I don’t think he’s man-shaped anymore.

You can see him?

I see what he sees.
Ilka looks around.

(points to his eye)
Not here.
(points to his forehead)

What do you see?

A house. A lamp in the window. There’s smoke coming
out of the chimbley. He’s at the back of
the house. He’s watching.

Watching what?

He’s making a sound. It’s not a man sound. A dog
is coming over. It’s sniffing around. It’s a friendly
dog. It comes over to me, and I grab it and
break it with my hands. The dog is making a
smell, a good smell, but I don’t want the dog, so I throw it away.
Ilka stares, doesn’t seem to breathe.

Now I’m making a dog sound. A hurt dog sound. I make
it louder. The lamp in the window is moving. The door is
opening. There is a girl there. She is holding the
lamp out and looking. She is calling out a name. She is
looking for the dog. She is walking toward me.

No. Please, no.

I am letting her get very close. I am letting her see me. She
is afraid. The good smell is all around her. I am
jumping now. I am very strong. I knock her to
the ground. I am biting her neck.

Stop it! Enough!

I am drinking. It is thick and good. It is
making me even stronger.
Ilka SLAPS him. Not hard, but his head snaps to the side. He looks all around, rubbing his cheek. The chanting tone is gone from his voice.

She looked like Mama. The girl.
She looked like Mama.
Ilka gathers him up, rocks him. The fear is gone, and there are no tears.

Ilka is ANGRY.



Mira prepares, in her petticoats.


1. She belts ROPE around her waist.
2. She hides a DAGGER in her shoe.
3. She empties PERFUME from a bottle, fills it with LAMP OIL.
4. She pulls the NECKLACE out of her dress, puts it on. [AN: this will be a different necklace, to replace the ruby necklace; when she decides to return to the castle for Samuel, Dominik will give it back to her, to “keep her safe.”]


Mira studies herself in the mirror. Dress on, hiding everything, even the necklace. Her expression is unreadable.
nhpwnhpw on December 28th, 2010 02:34 pm (UTC)
Oooo... I like this, but do you know what would make it cooler? Is if after Dominik says he can see what he sees, if his voice became the soundtrack and we actually saw the count doing these things instead of just a continued shot of Dominik. Do you get what I'm saying?
Shannonkungfuwaynewho on December 28th, 2010 04:24 pm (UTC)
This is why I'm so glad I've got a few people reading this, because I went back and forth between this and what I wrote while I was hashing out this scene. Seeing the actual action would definitely be more cinematic, but I was thinking that maybe it was creepier to just hear it? I like both versions, so I'll probably see if anyone else chimes in. Let the audience decide!
singer_shapersinger_shaper on December 28th, 2010 04:49 pm (UTC)
I'm with nhpw -- I was also envisioning Dominik's monologue as a voice-over. Have you shown the Count acting as the monster before?
Shannonkungfuwaynewho on December 28th, 2010 05:45 pm (UTC)
Cool; I'll go that way, then. Thinking it over this morning, I think it's the best way to go. I'll probably not do the entire thing, and cut before the actual attack - I want to save my first legit vampire attack for later. But cutting back and forth I think will liven it up.

The Count wasn't very nice to a maid in the opening, but other than that it's all been threats and tone. We haven't really seen him do anything. I'm rewriting the beginning, but I do think I might have Mira come upon him feeding from one of his slaves at some point, probably around the midpoint, actually. Right now it's like "the Count is evil!" on page two and then he like doesn't do anything, so there's no rising tension - so yeah, we need to see something a bit more overt before this.
Holly: Laura of awesomehollywobbles on December 29th, 2010 04:07 am (UTC)
I like the above input. All I'd come up with on my own was "ooh, likey."
Shannon: bsg chief anders helokungfuwaynewho on December 30th, 2010 06:13 pm (UTC)