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29 March 2011 @ 07:49 am
Wampir Draft Two - Day Eighteen  
What do you guys think of the quasi-title change?  (It's pronounced exactly the same.)  Using "Vampyr" just seemed too sacrilegious.


Ana opens the curtains, letting in cold sunlight. Dunks a rag into a bucket of water and begins scrubbing the floor. Hums.

Ana stops. Sits up. Listens intently.

She goes back to scrubbing. Soaks her rag again, then turns back to the patch of floor - dark. Ana looks - a SHADOW stands over her.

She turns to look behind her - nothing. The door is closed. Ana stares. Her hand comes up to the CRUCIFIX around her neck.

She turns back to her work. Bathory stands before her, smiling down.


The door creaks open. Mira enters, looks around. The bed unmade, the window open.

Silence answers her. Mira takes deep breaths, trying not to lose control.


Mira, fully dressed again. Searches the castle. Many locked doors. Those that aren’t open onto empty rooms.

Mira comes to the end of a long hallway. The doors here are rotten, nearly fallen away, in stark contrast to the rest of the castle. Mira enters--


In complete disarray. Thick cobwebs, broken stones, rotting furniture. Mira wanders through the bottom level - once a ballroom, perhaps.

She climbs the stairs.

Walks down a short corridor, doors hanging open on broken hinges. Thick silence all around, save for SKITTERING sounds behind the walls.

More stairs. Another corridor. The tapestry of the dragon biting its tail has been shredded. Mira passes an open doorway, then stops and steps back.

Erzsebet sits against the wall, almost hidden in the shadows. Her face obscured. Mira gingerly crosses to her, stepping around a DEAD RAT in front of the girl.

Beta. It’s me, Mira. Do you remember me?
Erzsebet just stares at her, unblinking.

Do you know where Dominik is?

He’s with Briccius.

Briccius. Saint Briccius is dead.
He died a very long time ago.
Erzsebet holds up the crucifix on the end of the rosary around her neck. Traces her fingers over the figure of Christ.

He is nailed up. Why? Is he a bad man?

No. Beta--

(clicking beads)
One, two, three, four.

Very good. Dear, I’m looking for Dominik.

This is my tower. The other tower is his.


He makes his tower look nice.

Who? Are you talking about the Count?
Erzsebet ignores her. Plays with the rosary.


Identical to the east tower, save it is still beautiful. Perhaps even more richly decorated than the rest of the castle. Mira enters, skittish.

Up the winding stairs. Down the hallways.

A SHRIEK from above. Horrible - great pain and even greater fear. Mira pauses, then runs up.

At the top of the last winding stair, two ajar doors - they lead into a room the circumference of the whole tower. Mira stops, peeks through.

Ana on her knees in the center of the room. Dress torn. Blood on her mouth. She sobs, screams - total terror.

Mira puts her hand on a door to enter when Bathory walks up behind Ana. Drops to his knees. He RIPS AWAY the crucifix around her neck. Grabs her hair to pull her head back.


Mira is frozen, staring. Her mouth open in horror.

Bathory drinks. Ana’s struggles become weaker and weaker. Finally, she goes still, her eyes pointed vacantly ahead, her body limp.

Bathory comes up for air. Blood on his mouth, his chin, down the front of his shirt. He tenderly strokes the side of Ana’s face.

Then he BITES HIS OWN WRIST. Lets the blood drip down into Ana’s mouth. A beat, and then she comes back to life. Swallowing, then reaching for Bathory’s arm.

Mira has seen enough. She flees.

Bathory smiles down at Ana as she feeds. Looks up at the open doors knowingly.


Mira runs, her skirts billowing out behind her.

“Why is light given to him that is in misery, and life
to the bitter of soul, who longs for death, but it
comes not. For the thing that I fear comes
upon me, and what I dread befalls me, so
that I am not at ease, nor am I quiet.”

Ilka and Dominik sit in the front pew - she reads from the Bible.

“I have no rest, but trouble comes.”
Dominik looks thoughtful. Léone sits on the floor by the statue of Mary, her arm looped through the handles of the two fresh baskets. She pulls a loaf of bread from one. Turns it over in her hands.

They came to my house. Papa opened the door, but
they pushed their way inside before he could greet
them. They asked for meat but we had none. They asked
for bread but we had none. They hit my papa, and they
grabbed me. I fought, but I wasn’t strong enough.
The last thing I saw was Papa on the floor with blood on his face.
She looks up at Ilka.

Why did they bring me here?

They brought you here for the Count.
For him to feed on. He’s a demon.
Mira enters the chapel, exhausted. But only for a moment - Dominik hears her voice and runs for her.

Mama! Mama!
Mira falls to her knees, hugs him close. Ilka is gutted. Her Bible slips from limp fingers to the floor.

Are you all right? Dominik?

I’m fine. We were exploring the castle, me and Ilka.
Mira walks slowly to her.

Thank you.

What kind of mother are you, letting your son
run around the castle by himself?

The Count took me down to the dungeon. I was
locked up for...I don’t know how long. Then the door just opened.

One of his favorite games.

He’s not finished with me, is he?
Ilka shakes her head. She’s having a hard time meeting Mira’s eye. Mira takes one of Ilka’s hands, holds it between her own.

You kept my son safe. Right now, that’s all that
matters to me. That Dominik is safe, and loved. Will you do that?
Ilka looks up at her, surprised.

Will you keep him safe? Will you love him
as though he were your own?

I will.
Mira KISSES Ilka’s hand - fervent. A subject swearing fealty.

Mira goes to Dominik, on her knees again. She takes the AMULET from around her neck and puts it around his neck.

My mother gave this to me. It will protect
you, and bring good fortune.
Dominik looks at the charm, unconvinced.

When she died, I put it away in a chest. I didn’t
want to look at it. Then one day, I don’t know why,
I found it and put it back on. Later that day your father
asked me to marry him. I have had no greater fortune
in my life than to love your father, and then you.
Léone listens from her seat on the floor. Then she seems to hear something - maybe whispers - and looks up at the statue of Mary beside her. She scrambles to her feet.

The Virgin. Look, the Virgin.
Mira and Ilka turn to look. The statue of the Virgin Mary no longer looks lovingly down at her son. Instead, she holds the baby close to her, protective. Glares toward the back of the chapel.

How charming.
Everyone faces the back of the chapel. Bathory stands just outside the doors, smirking.

I don’t recall allowing you to leave, Mira.

Where is my husband?

What makes you think I know? Come.
I wish to speak to you.

You’re safe here, Mira. He cannot harm
  you - he cannot enter! See how Janos has protected us.
CROSSES in the tiles of the floor. CROSSES carved into the wood of the door frame.

I’ve allowed you your silly superstitions, Ilka. Do not try
my patience or I will tear this chapel down with my
bare hands. Come, Mira.
She doesn’t move.

You can’t stay here forever. Come with me now,
or when you leave I will take your little boy and
throw him from the top of my tower.
Mira doesn’t hesitate - she walks to the back of the chapel. Before she leaves, she throws an imploring look at Ilka over her shoulder.
Holly: Tigh Precipicehollywobbles on March 29th, 2011 01:58 pm (UTC)
Hmmm. Quite honestly, I think people won't automatically assume it's pronounced the same, and will have way too much fun calling it "Wahm-peer." :/
Shannonkungfuwaynewho on March 30th, 2011 01:22 pm (UTC)
Sigh, you're right. Damn it. I'm having a hard time, here!
Holly: Laura Mini face uptiltedhollywobbles on March 31st, 2011 02:16 pm (UTC)
Hmm, I've been thinking titley thoughts for you... I'll let you know if anything solidifies. Maybe after I read draft two something will come to me.
(Deleted comment)
Shannonkungfuwaynewho on March 30th, 2011 08:11 pm (UTC)

My one mandate for this was that it had awesome female characters, so I hope that's working.
Holly: Stock - Flowers - lavenderhollywobbles on March 31st, 2011 02:16 pm (UTC)
Oooooooooooooooh. Can I steal your icon?
(Deleted comment)
Holly: Stock - Flowers - columbinehollywobbles on March 31st, 2011 07:09 pm (UTC)
Yay! Ah, I've downloaded textures from her before, very cool. Thanks!

Spring needs flower icons!!!! :D
singer_shapersinger_shaper on March 30th, 2011 12:31 am (UTC)
Regarding the name, is there another spelling you could use that still looks old-fashioned without appropriating the name?

Regarding the plot -- I like Beta's inverted view of the saints, and that you show Bathory doing the vamp thing to Ana. It seems like you're really clarifying the vampire mythos in this draft, and I appreciate that clarity. I also like that Mira recognizes Ilka as her ruler, even as she's disobeying her and going back with Bathory.

Shannonkungfuwaynewho on March 30th, 2011 08:12 pm (UTC)
I've been researching names for vampires; I might have a brainstorming/what do you guys think post soon.

Yeah, I think there was a lot of the "how these vampires work" stuff that was off-screen in the last draft, so I really did want to make all of that clearer.
nhpwnhpw on March 30th, 2011 09:10 pm (UTC)
Everyone else has already commented on the title, so I will just say "ditto what they said."

I'm trying to remember Ana's role in the first draft... I know it wasn't this! But I'm wondering if we'll see more of her after this (as a blank-faced servant? Or something else?)