I finally finished my Miranda spec! You would think that since I was basically adapting my own fanfic it wouldn't take that long, but a fic and a script are two very different media. For all that a lot of the dialogue was copy-pasted, there was still quite a bit of work to make it feel like an episode of TV.
I'd love people's thoughts, if anyone has a few minutes to sit and read. Especially anyone who hasn't actually watched Miranda; the odds that one of the judges will have seen the show and have any basis of comparison is pretty slim, I think. It would be great to know how it plays to someone completely new to the whole thing. Thanks in advance, babies.
COLD OPEN
FADE IN:
INT. MIRANDA’S FLAT - DAY
MIRANDA (30s, very tall and solid) sits on the sofa, ready and raring to begin.
MIRANDA
(to camera)
Well, hello there! Quite good to see you, though of
course for you to see me is even better. Previously
in my life I went to work and actually had the most wonderful time.
FLASH TO:
INT. JOKE SHOP - DAY
Miranda holds a CANDY BAR out. STEVIE (30s, tiny and blonde) jumps up and down, trying to grab it, never able to jump high enough. Miranda laughs and laughs.
BACK TO:
INT. MIRANDA’S FLAT - DAY
MIRANDA
(to camera)
Ah, yes. Just smashing. It occurred to me
recently that there’s quite a bit about my life
that you don’t know. I know I’ve said “previously in my
life” before, but I think today we’ll go previously-previously,
if you know what I mean. Ready? We’ve wasted
enough time - on with the show!
END OF COLD OPEN
SHOW PROPER
INT. MIRANDA’S FLAT - NIGHT
Miranda, in pajamas, hunches over her kitchen counter. Fiddles with something. Leans back to observe her handiwork - FRUIT dressed up like tiny dolls. Painted faces.
One apple has a yarn wig, a party toothpick sticking out of its side, and a zig-zag line drawn on its forehead.
MIRANDA
Ah, yes. Harry Potter. The apple who lived.
Oh, Miranda, you are truly brilliant.
Her door FLIES OPEN. Stevie marches in, wearing a very tight dress. Fully made up.
STEVIE
Are you playing with your fruit friends again?
MIRANDA
No! No fruit friends here!
Miranda tries to hide them. Knocks the fruit to the floor. Tries to act nonchalant - trips over the fruit. Falls.
STEVIE
Let’s go out tonight. You can make some real friends.
MIRANDA
(stands)
I have plenty of real friends.
STEVIE
You’re still in your jammies? Did you do anything today?
MIRANDA
Of course!
FLASH TO:
INT. MIRANDA’S FLAT - DAY
Miranda, still in her pajamas, carefully balances a knife atop two vertical forks. She steps back - a STONEHENGE in silverware shoved into the top of a cake.
MIRANDA
Behold the work of the mighty Druids!
BACK TO:
INT. MIRANDA’S FLAT - NIGHT
MIRANDA
I don’t know why you’ve got to be so
hard on me, Stevie.
STEVIE
I just want you to feel good about yourself.
Now, there’s a question I must ask you.
MIRANDA
Please don’t.
STEVIE
You don’t know what I’m going to ask, hang on.
MIRANDA
I know. Please don’t.
STEVIE
Miranda. You should ask yourself this
question every day.
(sings)
What have you done today to make you feel proud?
MIRANDA
Oh, you did. I asked you not to, and
you did anyway.
STEVIE
Miranda?
MIRANDA
I joined the gym.
STEVIE
Did you really?
FLASH TO:
INT. GYM - DAY
Miranda is, in fact, inside a gym. She saunters about, towel slung over her shoulder. Gives saucy looks to the people she passes, all working out. Miranda stops by a treadmill.
EXERCISING MAN
Did you want on?
MIRANDA
Oh, no. That looks horrid.
She fans herself with the towel.
MIRANDA (CONT’D)
Getting hot. Well, that’s enough exercise for one day.
She walks back out the door.
BACK TO:
INT. MIRANDA’S FLAT - NIGHT
MIRANDA
Indeed. Joined the gym. Quite a
lot of work, the gym is.
STEVIE
Yes, yes. So what was your favorite
piece of equipment, then?
MIRANDA
(stalls)
Right, right. Lots of equipment. It was a very posh
gym, quite...fancy. The um...the, you
know...sporting machine.
STEVIE
What’s that?
MIRANDA
It’s so nice to be able to practice one’s
archery indoors.
STEVIE
Archery. Right.
MIRANDA
Oh, yes!
Miranda holds out an imaginary bow, pulls back an imaginary string, scouts for imaginary enemies.
MIRANDA (CONT’D)
Yes, yes. See how improved my form is already?
Now Miranda’s really into it. She ducks behind the counter, snags an (imaginary) arrow from her back, knocks it against the (imaginary) string. Peeks her head around the edge...
A misty MOOR stretches out before her. In the distance, wild SCOTTISH WARRIORS huddle behind low boulders. Miranda, face painted blue, takes careful aim...
STEVIE
(smacks Miranda)
Oi! Stop having it on and go change your clothes.
Miranda stands in her kitchen. A bit put out. She replaces her (imaginary) arrow and sets the (imaginary) bow aside.
STEVIE (CONT’D)
You obviously need some company that isn’t
your own. Maybe you could even talk to a man.
MIRANDA
I talk to men.
STEVIE
Talk to a straight man.
MIRANDA
I talk to straight men!
Stevie scoffs. Miranda scoffs back. Stevie scoffs back. Miranda scoffs back. They both scoff until a coughing fit overtakes them.
STEVIE
Name one straight man you’ve spoken to in the last week.
MIRANDA
Thad. At the gym.
STEVIE
And he was straight?
FLASH TO:
INT. GYM - DAY
THAD types on the computer, smiles at Miranda. One leg up on the desk, stretching. Leg mostly bare. Bright purple lycra.
BACK TO:
INT. MIRANDA’S FLAT - NIGHT
MIRANDA
Oh. No. I do talk to straight men, though!
Yesterday, at the park. Mort...em...ly.
STEVIE
Mortemly?
MIRANDA
Yes. Mortemly Pellington-Downes. He was walking
his dog - stunning toy poodle and Tibetan wolfhound
mix. I know he's not gay because he complimented
me on the particular shade of my eyes. That Mortemly, such a flirt.
STEVIE
Bedroom. Now.
Miranda sighs, follows Stevie obediently.
CUT TO:
INT. CLUB - NIGHT
Miranda sits at the bar, big drink in front of her. Three fancy umbrellas in it. She bops her head to the music.
STEVIE
(yelling over music)
Having fun?
MIRANDA
I prefer the sort of club that lets you sing!
STEVIE
Never again! You know what happened last time!
FLASH TO:
INT. KARAOKE BAR - NIGHT
Miranda sings to a stunned crowd. Lots of furrowed brows.
MIRANDA
(sings badly)
But they never told you the price that you pay
for things you might have done. Only the good die young.
FADE OUT.
FADE IN.
FADE IN.
MIRANDA
(sings badly)
They say there’s a heaven for those who
will wait. Some say it’s better but I say it ain’t.
Fruit starts flying. Miranda screams - she and Stevie flee.
BACK TO:
INT. CLUB - NIGHT
MIRANDA
Fine. No singing.
STEVIE
Come dance!
MIRANDA
As soon as I finish my drink.
Stevie leaves, and a man approaches Miranda. A real PLAYER.
PLAYER
Hello there, gorgeous.
MIRANDA
(turns to camera)
Now watch what he does. This is how it always goes.
The player’s eyes sweep Miranda up and down.
MIRANDA (CONT’D)
(to camera)
He sees how tall I am, suddenly isn’t sure
if I’m a man or a woman. So he checks up
and down, and sometimes that isn’t enough, so...
The player definitely checks out Miranda’s chest.
MIRANDA (CONT’D)
(to camera)
Yes, there is it. Tit check. It’s a bit like a naughty
nursery rhyme. Heads, shoulders, knees and tits, knees and tits.
PLAYER
Excuse me?
MIRANDA
Just singing about my tits! You can go now.
The player leaves, a bit confused. Another man takes his place - GARY (30s, very handsome and genial).
GARY
I think I’d like to hear that song. I’m Gary - and you are?
MIRANDA
(to camera)
See, he didn’t do the eye sweep. He’s not sure.
(to Gary, very precise)
I’m a woman.
GARY
That’s an odd name. Awoman?
Miranda’s a bit frazzled. She buys time by taking a drink, but is unwilling to look away from Gary. She dodges and weaves through the umbrellas, staring at him.
MIRANDA
Yes. Awoman. One of the more popular Swedish names.
GARY
I wouldn’t have taken you for a Swede.
MIRANDA
There’s two types. You have your classic tall, thin
blonde Swede, and then your lesser-known
solid brunette Swede. I’m the former type, of course.
GARY
Obviously. Tall, I see that.
MIRANDA
I dye the hair. Too stunning otherwise.
GARY
Sure, sure.
MIRANDA
This is all just padding.
GARY
Quite nice padding at that.
MIRANDA
(to camera)
Did he just compliment my padding?
She smiles at him, leans in for another drink - again, without taking her eyes off him. The straw gouges into her cheek, and she’s nearly blinded by an umbrella.
GARY
Are you all right, Awoman?
MIRANDA
It’s Miranda.
GARY
Straws are deadly, Miranda. You should be careful.
MIRANDA
But you saw? You saw the way it came after me?
GARY
I did. Predatory like.
MIRANDA
Cheeky straw.
GARY
So. I think it’s best to be on the up and up - I’m
on a scavenger hunt. I need a girl’s number, on a cocktail napkin.
MIRANDA
Did you want me to forge
you a path through the dancers, then?
GARY
I decided I wanted the number of a girl I’d actually call.
It takes a beat for that to sink in. Miranda GRINS. Then plays too-cool again.
MIRANDA
Well, then.
(finds napkin)
Yes. My number. Just let me...write down my number. On a napkin.
GARY
The napkin has to have the name of the bar on it.
MIRANDA
Very strict.
Miranda hunts all over the bar top. She manages to KNOCK OVER the rest of her drink.
MIRANDA (CONT’D)
How can there be no napkins. Napkins, I need napkins!
Gary reaches just to Miranda’s right, where an ENORMOUS STACK OF NAPKINS sits. He silently hands her one.
MIRANDA (CONT’D)
Here we are, then. A napkin. Name of the bar, very good.
(beat, whispers)
What is my number, Gary?
GARY
You don’t know your own number?
MIRANDA
Why should I need to? If I’m at home and I
want to watch the telly, it’s not as if I have to
invite myself over. I’m already there!
Stevie dances her way back over, giving Gary the once-over.
MIRANDA (CONT’D)
Stevie!
STEVIE
And who is this? Talking to a man, are we?
MIRANDA
Yes, this is Gary. Can you write my number
down on this napkin, please?
STEVIE
Talking to a straight man, are we?
MIRANDA
Writing down my number, are we? Are we? Are we?
STEVIE
(writes)
Fine, all right.
MIRANDA
(to Gary)
Stevie’s my best mate. We do everything together. Practically sisters.
STEVIE
Here you go. Miranda--
Miranda puts her hand on Stevie’s head and PUSHES her to the floor. Smiles at Gary. Hands him the napkin.
MIRANDA
There you go. My number. My...numeros.
The numeros of moi.
GARY
You know, my mate sprained his ankle jumping
over a hedgerow. We had to get a garden gnome
for the scavenger hunt.
MIRANDA
How horrible.
GARY
Yeah, it was a bad sprain.
MIRANDA
I meant the garden gnome. They’re terrifying!
GARY
Oh, practically ghoulish they are. If I didn’t
know better, I’d say the gnome set the whole thing up.
MIRANDA
I wouldn’t be surprised. So, your mate, did you hold
his hand manfully to help him through the pain?
GARY
Of course. Comrades in arms. Brothers in the foxhole.
MIRANDA
Right. Just dreadful. And now here you are, disqualified.
GARY
No, no. We decided I’d finish up, play to the
end. But it’s no fun doing a scavenger hunt by yourself.
MIRANDA
It would be like...well, there’s nothing it’s like. It’s the worst.
GARY
Definitely the worst.
MIRANDA
Fighting a war? Not as bad.
GARY
Nuclear apocalypse? All in a day’s work.
MIRANDA
The sun explodes?
(to camera)
Ha! See him top that!
GARY
So you want to come scavenge with me?
MIRANDA
You want me to go with you?
GARY
Sure! It’ll be fun!
MIRANDA
Then why are we wasting time? Let’s go!
Miranda grabs Gary’s hand and pulls him through the crowd.
CUT TO:
EXT. CEMETERY - NIGHT
Miranda and Gary sneak along a row between headstones. Miranda is giddy - she starts SKIPPING.
GARY
What are you doing?
MIRANDA
I’m just so excited! I’ve never been on a scavenger
hunt before. So what are we looking for here?
GARY
Tombstones with our names on them.
MIRANDA
Ooo. Now that’s creepy. I like it. All right,
we’re looking for Gary and Miranda.
She shines her FLASHLIGHT over the headstones nearby. Reads off the names in a row.
MIRANDA (CONT’D)
Gary, Gary, and Gary. You’ve got your pick, then.
Gary hands her his phone, kneels by one and smiles, and Miranda takes a PICTURE.
GARY
Now it’s your turn.
MIRANDA
We’ll have a bit more trouble finding my name, I dare say.
They start looking. Walking a bit closer to each other. You might even call it a stroll.
GARY
So what do you do?
MIRANDA
I’m trying to sort that out right now. I’ve just been
working, oh, here and there. Nothing serious. I guess
you could say I haven’t found my “calling” yet. What about you?
GARY
I just graduated culinary school.
MIRANDA
Oh, how marvelous! Are you good?
GARY
I like to think so. What I really need is
to find a chef to study under.
(stops, turns to her)
That one-on-one experience is so important.
MIRANDA
Yes. One-on-one. Oh, do continue.
GARY
I’m just not sure I’ll be able to find
what I’m looking for in England.
MIRANDA
Not in England? Does that mean you’d...have
to leave? And go someplace that...isn’t England?
Gary sighs, starts walking again. Miranda follows.
GARY
I have to admit, I’d really like to see the world. I’m just a little scared. Ah!
MIRANDA
What? What is it, Gary?
GARY
Here we are. Your name on a tombstone.
They shine their flashlights on it.
MIRANDA
Miranda. Miranda Hart. That’s my first and last name.
GARY
Now that’s a coincidence.
MIRANDA
And that’s my birth date! Right down to the year!
(steps back)
Gary. This is a fresh grave.
Gary steps back, too, away from the RECTANGLE OF TURNED EARTH in front of the headstone.
MIRANDA (CONT’D)
What if that’s me buried under there? What if the
past three days have all been some kind
of after-life out-of-body experience? Gary, what if I’m dead?!
GARY
Miranda, you’re not dead. Come on,
let’s get your picture taken.
She takes a step toward the grave. Stops. Puts her foot out but can’t quite bring it down. Sort of hops a little.
GARY (CONT’D)
Come on, then, you can do it.
MIRANDA
Yes. You’re right. I can do it.
She puts her foot down, then takes another step. Then SCURRIES backward once again.
MIRANDA (CONT’D)
No, I can’t! I can’t do it!
GARY
Why don’t you sort of come at it from an angle?
MIRANDA
That’s a good idea. An angle. I’ll
come at it from an angle.
Miranda turns, walks a few paces to the right, then starts to curve in toward the headstone. Then curves right back away.
MIRANDA (CONT’D)
Oh, an angle just isn’t going to work! It’s just giving
me more time to think about it. Do you think the
worms have started in on my eyes yet?
GARY
Then you’re not going to think about it! You’re
going to run up, pause, I’ll snap the picture, then
you’ll run away.
MIRANDA
I can do that?
GARY
You can do that.
MIRANDA
I can do that. Run, pause, run. Run, pause, run.
(gathers herself)
Run pause run!
Miranda runs. And TRIPS. She falls face-first right into the fresh dirt. Heavy breathing.
MIRANDA (CONT’D)
I’ve paused.
Gary takes a picture. Miranda sees a WORM climb out of the dirt just in front of her eyes.
MIRANDA (CONT’D)
And I’m running again!
She pushes herself up and SPRINTS toward the gate. Gary laughs and runs after her.
CUT TO:
EXT. LONDON STREETS - NIGHT
Miranda and Gary hurry along. The streets are empty.
MIRANDA
So what’s next on the list?
GARY
A copy of Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone,
but in hardcover. That shouldn’t be too tough to find.
MIRANDA
The fourth book comes out next week! Very exciting.
My wizarding name is Violetta Jennings,
by the way. I’m brilliant at hexes.
GARY
Then probably any bookshop. Good show, Miranda.
Miranda looks at the camera, rests a hand over her heart.
GARY (CONT’D)
Here we are.
They stop in front of a bookshop.
MIRANDA
It’s closed.
GARY
We’ll just pop in and out, leave the money by the till.
MIRANDA
That’s still illegal, though, isn’t it? Breaking and
entering? What if we’re caught? What if we’re arrested?
BEGIN FANTASY
Bright lights shine on the two of them, frozen by the door. The police drag them away. They’re cuffed. Thrown into the back of a police car.
Hands behind their backs, it’s difficult for them to sit up straight. Leaning against each other. Miranda and Gary end up looking right at each other. At each other’s mouths. They lean in...
END FANTASY
Gary looks at her, waiting.
MIRANDA
What was that?
GARY
I said, if you already had a copy of the
book, we wouldn’t have to break in.
MIRANDA
Of course I have a copy! Back to my flat, hurry!
CUT TO:
EXT. MIRANDA’S FLAT - NIGHT
Miranda and Gary walk up to the door. She pulls her keys out - drops them. Bends and picks them up - drops them. Bends and picks them up - drops them.
GARY
Here, let me.
Gary bends, resting a hand on Miranda’s back to steady himself. Her eyes go all dreamy.
BEGIN FANTASY
A huge CHURCH, festooned with flowers. Hundreds of guests sitting in the pews turn to watch Miranda walk up the aisle. She joins Gary in front of a priest.
PRIEST
Gary and Miranda have decided to write their own vows.
GARY
I fell in love with her because she already had a copy of Harry Potter.
Miranda stifles a sob.
END FANTASY
INT. MIRANDA’S FLAT - NIGHT
Miranda opens the door, leads Gary in.
GARY
Nice place.
MIRANDA
The books are over here.
She leads him to a bookcase. More odds-and-ends and bric-a-brac than books.
GARY
Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone. Hardcover. Brilliant.
He grabs the book. Except there is no book - just an empty dust jacket.
GARY (CONT’D)
Wait, where’s the book?
Miranda panics, looks. Finds a NOTE.
MIRANDA
(reads)
"Miranda, I borrowed your Henry Porter books
for Alan Hynes’ son, you remember Alan, wonderful
young man, would have been a perfect catch for you.
I left the covers to provide the illusion that you still own
books, though of course they are only children’s books.
I also tidied up a bit. A horrible, what I call,
mess. You shouldn’t leave fruit laying about, dear."
Gary stares.
MIRANDA (CONT’D)
Oh, no. My mum. Gary, I’m so sorry.
GARY
It’s all right. The prize is just a certificate to
Top Shop. What would I buy, a pink sparkly waistcoat?
Miranda points to her eyes, then Gary’s, then hers, then Gary’s, then hers.
MIRANDA
Listen to me, Gary. We’re not giving up just yet.
We’re going to win this scavenger hunt, and you’re
going to get that Top Shop certificate, and
you are going to buy that pink sparkly waistcoat.
GARY
All right, but you should see the rest of this list.
(reads)
A mannequin body part, an origami crane, a piece
of Australian currency, something stamped as
Miranda thinks. Nods her head. Points to her eyes, Gary’s eyes, her eyes. Gary’s eyes.
Miranda sets down a laundry basket on the kitchen counter. Pulls out objects, lists them off.
MIRANDA
Mannequin hand I use to keep my rings on.
Origami crane folded out of an Indian restaurant
menu. An Australian coin I found on the pavement
once, but when I bent over to snag it I tripped over
what must have been something quite large and
obstructive - I didn’t actually see it you understand -
and when I fell my head was over a grate and what
did I see but a whole pound! Brilliant, eh? So that’s the
Australian coin. Red braces I bought for my dad’s
birthday next week. Lederhosen that
were, in fact, made in Russia. Funny story, that--
GARY
Miranda. Top shop. Waistcoat.
MIRANDA
Right. And now, for the pièce de résistance, observe.
She pulls out the final object - a SNOWGLOBE. Gary is amazed.
GARY
A snowglobe with Westminster Abbey inside! That’s fantastic!
MIRANDA
Look at the bottom.
GARY
(looks, then stares)
The water inside the snowglobe is from
the Thames. I could kiss you right now.
MIRANDA
(to camera)
Oh, please do.
(to Gary)
Now let’s break into a bookshop and get that book.
CUT TO:
EXT. LONDON STREETS - NIGHT
Gary and Miranda tiptoe their way down the darkened street, pausing at intervals. Looking around carefully.
GARY
Are you pretending you’re on MI-5, too?
MIRANDA
Oh, yes.
GARY
Here we are. Again.
MIRANDA
Do you know what you’re doing?
GARY
Don’t you worry, Miranda.
MIRANDA
Because it just looks like you’re fiddling with the knob.
(to camera)
Oh, my. Gary, fiddling with a knob.
Just then the door OPENS. Gary grins, leads Miranda inside.
INT. BOOKSHOP - CONTINUOUS
They close the door behind them.
MIRANDA
How did you do that?
GARY
I have many mysterious talents.
Miranda picks up the nearest book and FANS herself.
GARY (CONT’D)
If there’s a new book coming out next week,
they should have a display up somewhere.
They sneak around, the only light coming from the streetlights outside. Finally, they find a display in the back. Hardcover books - striped scarves, a wizard hat, a broom and a stuffed owl complete the display.
MIRANDA
Here it is! Gary, we found it!
GARY
We still might just win this thing.
Suddenly, BRIGHT LIGHTS outside. Raised voices.
WITNESS (O.S.)
I saw ‘em go in! Broke right in, just bold as brass!
POLICE OFFICER (O.S.)
Stay here, sir. We’ll take a look.
Gary and Miranda freeze.
GARY
Oh, no. We’re done for.
MIRANDA
Not just yet. Gary, do exactly what I tell you.
AT THE FRONT OF THE SHOP
The door opens, and two police officers enter. They shine their flashlights around. Shelves of books, registers in the back.
A Harry Potter display. Two mannequins stand on either side. One wears a scarf and holds a broom - the other wears a wizard hat and holds the owl. GARY AND MIRANDA. They stare straight ahead, totally still.
The police officers look at each other, shrug. Leave.
Gary and Miranda laugh, take off their makeshift costumes.
GARY
Did that work? Did that actually work?
MIRANDA
I have a lot of practice making
friends. And I do mean making friends.
GARY
But they actually fell for it!
MIRANDA
Not my first time. Where do you think
the mannequin hand came from?
Gary grins, then laughs.
MIRANDA (CONT’D)
Now let’s go win, and tomorrow I want
to see you in that sparkly pink waistcoat.
CUT TO:
INT. TOP SHOP - DAY
Miranda lounges outside a dressing room. A high-pitched, shrill voice cuts through the music being pumped out.
STEVIE (O.S.)
Miranda!
Miranda groans, turns to see Stevie approach.
STEVIE (CONT’D)
Are you actually inside a Top Shop? I can’t
believe it. Find anything fashionable and amazing?
MIRANDA
Stevie, I would have to staple two pairs of trousers
together to make a single pair of trousers
that would fit me. No, I’m here with a man.
STEVIE
A gay man.
MIRANDA
No! Not a gay man! An amazing man,
actually. We met last night, at the club.
You met him, remember? It’s--
Before she can finish, Gary comes out of the dressing room. He wears jeans, no shirt - just a VEST on top. BRIGHT PINK. SPARKLES. He puts his hands on his hips, smirks.
GARY
What do you say, Miranda? Do I look fabulous or what?
Stevie opens her mouth - before she can speak, Miranda pushes her to the ground with a crash.
END OF SHOW
I'd love people's thoughts, if anyone has a few minutes to sit and read. Especially anyone who hasn't actually watched Miranda; the odds that one of the judges will have seen the show and have any basis of comparison is pretty slim, I think. It would be great to know how it plays to someone completely new to the whole thing. Thanks in advance, babies.
COLD OPEN
FADE IN:
INT. MIRANDA’S FLAT - DAY
MIRANDA (30s, very tall and solid) sits on the sofa, ready and raring to begin.
MIRANDA
(to camera)
Well, hello there! Quite good to see you, though of
course for you to see me is even better. Previously
in my life I went to work and actually had the most wonderful time.
INT. JOKE SHOP - DAY
Miranda holds a CANDY BAR out. STEVIE (30s, tiny and blonde) jumps up and down, trying to grab it, never able to jump high enough. Miranda laughs and laughs.
BACK TO:
INT. MIRANDA’S FLAT - DAY
MIRANDA
(to camera)
Ah, yes. Just smashing. It occurred to me
recently that there’s quite a bit about my life
that you don’t know. I know I’ve said “previously in my
life” before, but I think today we’ll go previously-previously,
if you know what I mean. Ready? We’ve wasted
enough time - on with the show!
SHOW PROPER
INT. MIRANDA’S FLAT - NIGHT
Miranda, in pajamas, hunches over her kitchen counter. Fiddles with something. Leans back to observe her handiwork - FRUIT dressed up like tiny dolls. Painted faces.
One apple has a yarn wig, a party toothpick sticking out of its side, and a zig-zag line drawn on its forehead.
MIRANDA
Ah, yes. Harry Potter. The apple who lived.
Oh, Miranda, you are truly brilliant.
STEVIE
Are you playing with your fruit friends again?
MIRANDA
No! No fruit friends here!
STEVIE
Let’s go out tonight. You can make some real friends.
MIRANDA
(stands)
I have plenty of real friends.
STEVIE
You’re still in your jammies? Did you do anything today?
MIRANDA
Of course!
INT. MIRANDA’S FLAT - DAY
Miranda, still in her pajamas, carefully balances a knife atop two vertical forks. She steps back - a STONEHENGE in silverware shoved into the top of a cake.
MIRANDA
Behold the work of the mighty Druids!
INT. MIRANDA’S FLAT - NIGHT
MIRANDA
I don’t know why you’ve got to be so
hard on me, Stevie.
STEVIE
I just want you to feel good about yourself.
Now, there’s a question I must ask you.
MIRANDA
Please don’t.
STEVIE
You don’t know what I’m going to ask, hang on.
MIRANDA
I know. Please don’t.
STEVIE
Miranda. You should ask yourself this
question every day.
(sings)
What have you done today to make you feel proud?
MIRANDA
Oh, you did. I asked you not to, and
you did anyway.
STEVIE
Miranda?
MIRANDA
I joined the gym.
STEVIE
Did you really?
INT. GYM - DAY
Miranda is, in fact, inside a gym. She saunters about, towel slung over her shoulder. Gives saucy looks to the people she passes, all working out. Miranda stops by a treadmill.
EXERCISING MAN
Did you want on?
MIRANDA
Oh, no. That looks horrid.
MIRANDA (CONT’D)
Getting hot. Well, that’s enough exercise for one day.
BACK TO:
INT. MIRANDA’S FLAT - NIGHT
MIRANDA
Indeed. Joined the gym. Quite a
lot of work, the gym is.
STEVIE
Yes, yes. So what was your favorite
piece of equipment, then?
MIRANDA
(stalls)
Right, right. Lots of equipment. It was a very posh
gym, quite...fancy. The um...the, you
know...sporting machine.
STEVIE
What’s that?
MIRANDA
It’s so nice to be able to practice one’s
archery indoors.
STEVIE
Archery. Right.
MIRANDA
Oh, yes!
MIRANDA (CONT’D)
Yes, yes. See how improved my form is already?
A misty MOOR stretches out before her. In the distance, wild SCOTTISH WARRIORS huddle behind low boulders. Miranda, face painted blue, takes careful aim...
STEVIE
(smacks Miranda)
Oi! Stop having it on and go change your clothes.
STEVIE (CONT’D)
You obviously need some company that isn’t
your own. Maybe you could even talk to a man.
MIRANDA
I talk to men.
STEVIE
Talk to a straight man.
MIRANDA
I talk to straight men!
STEVIE
Name one straight man you’ve spoken to in the last week.
MIRANDA
Thad. At the gym.
STEVIE
And he was straight?
INT. GYM - DAY
THAD types on the computer, smiles at Miranda. One leg up on the desk, stretching. Leg mostly bare. Bright purple lycra.
BACK TO:
INT. MIRANDA’S FLAT - NIGHT
MIRANDA
Oh. No. I do talk to straight men, though!
Yesterday, at the park. Mort...em...ly.
STEVIE
Mortemly?
MIRANDA
Yes. Mortemly Pellington-Downes. He was walking
his dog - stunning toy poodle and Tibetan wolfhound
mix. I know he's not gay because he complimented
me on the particular shade of my eyes. That Mortemly, such a flirt.
STEVIE
Bedroom. Now.
CUT TO:
INT. CLUB - NIGHT
Miranda sits at the bar, big drink in front of her. Three fancy umbrellas in it. She bops her head to the music.
STEVIE
(yelling over music)
Having fun?
MIRANDA
I prefer the sort of club that lets you sing!
STEVIE
Never again! You know what happened last time!
INT. KARAOKE BAR - NIGHT
Miranda sings to a stunned crowd. Lots of furrowed brows.
MIRANDA
(sings badly)
But they never told you the price that you pay
for things you might have done. Only the good die young.
FADE IN.
MIRANDA
(sings badly)
You might have heard I run with a dangerous
crowd. We ain’t too pretty but we ain’t proud.
FADE OUT.(sings badly)
You might have heard I run with a dangerous
crowd. We ain’t too pretty but we ain’t proud.
FADE IN.
MIRANDA
(sings badly)
They say there’s a heaven for those who
will wait. Some say it’s better but I say it ain’t.
BACK TO:
INT. CLUB - NIGHT
MIRANDA
Fine. No singing.
STEVIE
Come dance!
MIRANDA
As soon as I finish my drink.
PLAYER
Hello there, gorgeous.
MIRANDA
(turns to camera)
Now watch what he does. This is how it always goes.
MIRANDA (CONT’D)
(to camera)
He sees how tall I am, suddenly isn’t sure
if I’m a man or a woman. So he checks up
and down, and sometimes that isn’t enough, so...
MIRANDA (CONT’D)
(to camera)
Yes, there is it. Tit check. It’s a bit like a naughty
nursery rhyme. Heads, shoulders, knees and tits, knees and tits.
PLAYER
Excuse me?
MIRANDA
Just singing about my tits! You can go now.
GARY
I think I’d like to hear that song. I’m Gary - and you are?
MIRANDA
(to camera)
See, he didn’t do the eye sweep. He’s not sure.
(to Gary, very precise)
I’m a woman.
GARY
That’s an odd name. Awoman?
MIRANDA
Yes. Awoman. One of the more popular Swedish names.
GARY
I wouldn’t have taken you for a Swede.
MIRANDA
There’s two types. You have your classic tall, thin
blonde Swede, and then your lesser-known
solid brunette Swede. I’m the former type, of course.
GARY
Obviously. Tall, I see that.
MIRANDA
I dye the hair. Too stunning otherwise.
GARY
Sure, sure.
MIRANDA
This is all just padding.
GARY
Quite nice padding at that.
MIRANDA
(to camera)
Did he just compliment my padding?
GARY
Are you all right, Awoman?
MIRANDA
It’s Miranda.
GARY
Straws are deadly, Miranda. You should be careful.
MIRANDA
But you saw? You saw the way it came after me?
GARY
I did. Predatory like.
MIRANDA
Cheeky straw.
GARY
So. I think it’s best to be on the up and up - I’m
on a scavenger hunt. I need a girl’s number, on a cocktail napkin.
MIRANDA
Did you want me to forge
you a path through the dancers, then?
GARY
I decided I wanted the number of a girl I’d actually call.
MIRANDA
Well, then.
(finds napkin)
Yes. My number. Just let me...write down my number. On a napkin.
GARY
The napkin has to have the name of the bar on it.
MIRANDA
Very strict.
MIRANDA (CONT’D)
How can there be no napkins. Napkins, I need napkins!
MIRANDA (CONT’D)
Here we are, then. A napkin. Name of the bar, very good.
(beat, whispers)
What is my number, Gary?
GARY
You don’t know your own number?
MIRANDA
Why should I need to? If I’m at home and I
want to watch the telly, it’s not as if I have to
invite myself over. I’m already there!
MIRANDA (CONT’D)
Stevie!
STEVIE
And who is this? Talking to a man, are we?
MIRANDA
Yes, this is Gary. Can you write my number
down on this napkin, please?
STEVIE
Talking to a straight man, are we?
MIRANDA
Writing down my number, are we? Are we? Are we?
STEVIE
(writes)
Fine, all right.
MIRANDA
(to Gary)
Stevie’s my best mate. We do everything together. Practically sisters.
STEVIE
Here you go. Miranda--
MIRANDA
There you go. My number. My...numeros.
The numeros of moi.
GARY
You know, my mate sprained his ankle jumping
over a hedgerow. We had to get a garden gnome
for the scavenger hunt.
MIRANDA
How horrible.
GARY
Yeah, it was a bad sprain.
MIRANDA
I meant the garden gnome. They’re terrifying!
GARY
Oh, practically ghoulish they are. If I didn’t
know better, I’d say the gnome set the whole thing up.
MIRANDA
I wouldn’t be surprised. So, your mate, did you hold
his hand manfully to help him through the pain?
GARY
Of course. Comrades in arms. Brothers in the foxhole.
MIRANDA
Right. Just dreadful. And now here you are, disqualified.
GARY
No, no. We decided I’d finish up, play to the
end. But it’s no fun doing a scavenger hunt by yourself.
MIRANDA
It would be like...well, there’s nothing it’s like. It’s the worst.
GARY
Definitely the worst.
MIRANDA
Fighting a war? Not as bad.
GARY
Nuclear apocalypse? All in a day’s work.
MIRANDA
The sun explodes?
(to camera)
Ha! See him top that!
GARY
So you want to come scavenge with me?
MIRANDA
You want me to go with you?
GARY
Sure! It’ll be fun!
MIRANDA
Then why are we wasting time? Let’s go!
CUT TO:
EXT. CEMETERY - NIGHT
Miranda and Gary sneak along a row between headstones. Miranda is giddy - she starts SKIPPING.
GARY
What are you doing?
MIRANDA
I’m just so excited! I’ve never been on a scavenger
hunt before. So what are we looking for here?
GARY
Tombstones with our names on them.
MIRANDA
Ooo. Now that’s creepy. I like it. All right,
we’re looking for Gary and Miranda.
MIRANDA (CONT’D)
Gary, Gary, and Gary. You’ve got your pick, then.
GARY
Now it’s your turn.
MIRANDA
We’ll have a bit more trouble finding my name, I dare say.
GARY
So what do you do?
MIRANDA
I’m trying to sort that out right now. I’ve just been
working, oh, here and there. Nothing serious. I guess
you could say I haven’t found my “calling” yet. What about you?
GARY
I just graduated culinary school.
MIRANDA
Oh, how marvelous! Are you good?
GARY
I like to think so. What I really need is
to find a chef to study under.
(stops, turns to her)
That one-on-one experience is so important.
MIRANDA
Yes. One-on-one. Oh, do continue.
GARY
I’m just not sure I’ll be able to find
what I’m looking for in England.
MIRANDA
Not in England? Does that mean you’d...have
to leave? And go someplace that...isn’t England?
GARY
I have to admit, I’d really like to see the world. I’m just a little scared. Ah!
MIRANDA
What? What is it, Gary?
GARY
Here we are. Your name on a tombstone.
MIRANDA
Miranda. Miranda Hart. That’s my first and last name.
GARY
Now that’s a coincidence.
MIRANDA
And that’s my birth date! Right down to the year!
(steps back)
Gary. This is a fresh grave.
MIRANDA (CONT’D)
What if that’s me buried under there? What if the
past three days have all been some kind
of after-life out-of-body experience? Gary, what if I’m dead?!
GARY
Miranda, you’re not dead. Come on,
let’s get your picture taken.
GARY (CONT’D)
Come on, then, you can do it.
MIRANDA
Yes. You’re right. I can do it.
MIRANDA (CONT’D)
No, I can’t! I can’t do it!
GARY
Why don’t you sort of come at it from an angle?
MIRANDA
That’s a good idea. An angle. I’ll
come at it from an angle.
MIRANDA (CONT’D)
Oh, an angle just isn’t going to work! It’s just giving
me more time to think about it. Do you think the
worms have started in on my eyes yet?
GARY
Then you’re not going to think about it! You’re
going to run up, pause, I’ll snap the picture, then
you’ll run away.
MIRANDA
I can do that?
GARY
You can do that.
MIRANDA
I can do that. Run, pause, run. Run, pause, run.
(gathers herself)
Run pause run!
MIRANDA (CONT’D)
I’ve paused.
MIRANDA (CONT’D)
And I’m running again!
CUT TO:
EXT. LONDON STREETS - NIGHT
Miranda and Gary hurry along. The streets are empty.
MIRANDA
So what’s next on the list?
GARY
A copy of Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone,
but in hardcover. That shouldn’t be too tough to find.
MIRANDA
The fourth book comes out next week! Very exciting.
My wizarding name is Violetta Jennings,
by the way. I’m brilliant at hexes.
GARY
Then probably any bookshop. Good show, Miranda.
GARY (CONT’D)
Here we are.
MIRANDA
It’s closed.
GARY
We’ll just pop in and out, leave the money by the till.
MIRANDA
That’s still illegal, though, isn’t it? Breaking and
entering? What if we’re caught? What if we’re arrested?
Bright lights shine on the two of them, frozen by the door. The police drag them away. They’re cuffed. Thrown into the back of a police car.
Hands behind their backs, it’s difficult for them to sit up straight. Leaning against each other. Miranda and Gary end up looking right at each other. At each other’s mouths. They lean in...
END FANTASY
Gary looks at her, waiting.
MIRANDA
What was that?
GARY
I said, if you already had a copy of the
book, we wouldn’t have to break in.
MIRANDA
Of course I have a copy! Back to my flat, hurry!
EXT. MIRANDA’S FLAT - NIGHT
Miranda and Gary walk up to the door. She pulls her keys out - drops them. Bends and picks them up - drops them. Bends and picks them up - drops them.
GARY
Here, let me.
BEGIN FANTASY
A huge CHURCH, festooned with flowers. Hundreds of guests sitting in the pews turn to watch Miranda walk up the aisle. She joins Gary in front of a priest.
PRIEST
Gary and Miranda have decided to write their own vows.
GARY
I fell in love with her because she already had a copy of Harry Potter.
END FANTASY
INT. MIRANDA’S FLAT - NIGHT
Miranda opens the door, leads Gary in.
GARY
Nice place.
MIRANDA
The books are over here.
GARY
Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone. Hardcover. Brilliant.
GARY (CONT’D)
Wait, where’s the book?
MIRANDA
(reads)
"Miranda, I borrowed your Henry Porter books
for Alan Hynes’ son, you remember Alan, wonderful
young man, would have been a perfect catch for you.
I left the covers to provide the illusion that you still own
books, though of course they are only children’s books.
I also tidied up a bit. A horrible, what I call,
mess. You shouldn’t leave fruit laying about, dear."
MIRANDA (CONT’D)
Oh, no. My mum. Gary, I’m so sorry.
GARY
It’s all right. The prize is just a certificate to
Top Shop. What would I buy, a pink sparkly waistcoat?
MIRANDA
Listen to me, Gary. We’re not giving up just yet.
We’re going to win this scavenger hunt, and you’re
going to get that Top Shop certificate, and
you are going to buy that pink sparkly waistcoat.
GARY
All right, but you should see the rest of this list.
(reads)
A mannequin body part, an origami crane, a piece
of Australian currency, something stamped as
made in Russia, red braces, water from the
Thames, and - I’m not sure what they’re expecting - Westminster Abbey.
Miranda thinks. Nods her head. Points to her eyes, Gary’s eyes, her eyes. Gary’s eyes.
MIRANDA
Give me five minutes.
CHYRON: FIVE MINUTES LATERGive me five minutes.
Miranda sets down a laundry basket on the kitchen counter. Pulls out objects, lists them off.
MIRANDA
Mannequin hand I use to keep my rings on.
Origami crane folded out of an Indian restaurant
menu. An Australian coin I found on the pavement
once, but when I bent over to snag it I tripped over
what must have been something quite large and
obstructive - I didn’t actually see it you understand -
and when I fell my head was over a grate and what
did I see but a whole pound! Brilliant, eh? So that’s the
Australian coin. Red braces I bought for my dad’s
birthday next week. Lederhosen that
were, in fact, made in Russia. Funny story, that--
GARY
Miranda. Top shop. Waistcoat.
MIRANDA
Right. And now, for the pièce de résistance, observe.
GARY
A snowglobe with Westminster Abbey inside! That’s fantastic!
MIRANDA
Look at the bottom.
GARY
(looks, then stares)
The water inside the snowglobe is from
the Thames. I could kiss you right now.
MIRANDA
(to camera)
Oh, please do.
(to Gary)
Now let’s break into a bookshop and get that book.
EXT. LONDON STREETS - NIGHT
Gary and Miranda tiptoe their way down the darkened street, pausing at intervals. Looking around carefully.
GARY
Are you pretending you’re on MI-5, too?
MIRANDA
Oh, yes.
GARY
Here we are. Again.
They stop in front of a bookshop. Gary kneels.
MIRANDA
Do you know what you’re doing?
GARY
Don’t you worry, Miranda.
MIRANDA
Because it just looks like you’re fiddling with the knob.
(to camera)
Oh, my. Gary, fiddling with a knob.
INT. BOOKSHOP - CONTINUOUS
They close the door behind them.
MIRANDA
How did you do that?
GARY
I have many mysterious talents.
GARY (CONT’D)
If there’s a new book coming out next week,
they should have a display up somewhere.
MIRANDA
Here it is! Gary, we found it!
GARY
We still might just win this thing.
WITNESS (O.S.)
I saw ‘em go in! Broke right in, just bold as brass!
POLICE OFFICER (O.S.)
Stay here, sir. We’ll take a look.
GARY
Oh, no. We’re done for.
MIRANDA
Not just yet. Gary, do exactly what I tell you.
The door opens, and two police officers enter. They shine their flashlights around. Shelves of books, registers in the back.
A Harry Potter display. Two mannequins stand on either side. One wears a scarf and holds a broom - the other wears a wizard hat and holds the owl. GARY AND MIRANDA. They stare straight ahead, totally still.
The police officers look at each other, shrug. Leave.
Gary and Miranda laugh, take off their makeshift costumes.
GARY
Did that work? Did that actually work?
MIRANDA
I have a lot of practice making
friends. And I do mean making friends.
GARY
But they actually fell for it!
MIRANDA
Not my first time. Where do you think
the mannequin hand came from?
Gary grins, then laughs.
MIRANDA (CONT’D)
Now let’s go win, and tomorrow I want
to see you in that sparkly pink waistcoat.
INT. TOP SHOP - DAY
Miranda lounges outside a dressing room. A high-pitched, shrill voice cuts through the music being pumped out.
STEVIE (O.S.)
Miranda!
STEVIE (CONT’D)
Are you actually inside a Top Shop? I can’t
believe it. Find anything fashionable and amazing?
MIRANDA
Stevie, I would have to staple two pairs of trousers
together to make a single pair of trousers
that would fit me. No, I’m here with a man.
STEVIE
A gay man.
MIRANDA
No! Not a gay man! An amazing man,
actually. We met last night, at the club.
You met him, remember? It’s--
GARY
What do you say, Miranda? Do I look fabulous or what?
END OF SHOW
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